Being cool about not being cool

The summer I was sixteen, this boy I was friends with and liked told me, ‘I can’t be friends with someone who is sad six days and happy one day.’ Soon after, he ghosted me. That was the first time someone ghosted me, and sadly, I can’t say it was the last. People are now very quick at discarding others at the first sign of something unpleasant or inconvenient. But, I digress.

Lately, I have been wondering if I am a fun person, a cool person. This is funny to me because the last time I asked something like this to myself or cared was a whole decade ago at 15. Never thought that at 25 I will come full circle. So, I know people are different and that everyone has a different idea of what’s fun and also that everybody’s sense of humour is different. I see that and I accept that but I also know there is a widely conventional idea of what’s funny and what’s fun and what’s cool and I won’t ever fall into any of those Venn diagrams. 

My natural disposition is pensive

So I like talking about the wide variety of things I think and feel. And I like reading books and I like talking about books. Obviously, I enjoy writing and talking about writing. I have been loving learning a foreign language – Korean – and talking about language learning. The weather significantly impacts my mood and when I talk about the weather, it is no small talk. I can sit by the sea and be silent and perhaps under the stars. But other than that, silence is usually not my thing. I may not speak all the time but I have to get the words out somehow. My brain waves feel like sea waves that break on the shore of my mouth, or my hand, and that is why I am a writer. I wouldn’t know how else to survive. 

My diet may be a lot of carbs and with that there is a healthy serving of contemplations but casualness does not find its place in my food pyramid. I take everything seriously and everyone seriously because I take myself seriously. I don’t believe that people are something to be made light of. Of course I like to laugh and make people laugh. But it never happens intentionally and my sense of humour is either dark or earnest and often not relatable. In fact, some most times when I am joking around, I have to clarify that yes, yes I am. 

What is fun?

What is fun for me? Other than things that involve words, what is fun for me? I do not know. Even when I travel, instead of sightseeing or shopping, I like to find a tiny cafe and sit and write about everything I see and feel and realise about whichever place I am in. When I listen to music, I am more drawn towards songs that have gorgeous lyrics. When I meet a person, I want to know their heart. Fun, Hargun, fun. What is fun? Let me look up the dictionary meaning.

1. enjoyment, amusement, or light-hearted pleasure. “the children were having fun in the play area”

Light-hearted pleasure.

Hmm. What is light-hearted?

1. (of a person or their behaviour) cheerful or carefree. “excited, light-hearted chatter”

I am not, carefree, no. Cheerful, yes. Despite being pensive, I am very cheerful, ebullient. On a personality spectrum, my one end is pensive and the other is ebullient. Yes, that’s it. It’s not a contradiction, it’s simply a spectrum. Like everything. Or you can say it’s just my astrological placements – Capricorn and Aquarius are whacky placements to have together. But, I know for most of you, astrology is an eye-roll. So, let’s stick to spectrum because already I am moving away from the question – What is fun for me? What is light-hearted? 

I don’t know. I can’t yet articulate or even identify. But I know there is a lot about my personality and my lifestyle that is. Okay, perhaps, not a lot. But enough to be wholesome. One thing, however, I know now is to not take people’s words seriously because they often don’t come out of their mouths in remotely serious light.

The reason for being ghosted

After nearly ten years, I finally found out why that boy had ghosted me. We recently got in touch and he told me that he was jealous, I seemed to be doing very well for myself (school/career wise) and that he felt insecure and that he was sorry. 

I could not believe it! All these years I thought it was my “sad”, heavy, not-fun personality that made him do something so horrible. But it was this? I was shining too brightly for him? Ridiculous! I think, there definitely is something about being so self-aware, thoughtful, and confident that makes one come across as intimidating and “too” much. Not because they are but because they are simply shining too brightly for those who have never once stopped to appreciate the stars so they don’t know what to do with all this light. 

The coolest thing never goes out of style

I’ve always known that most of what people do and say is about them and not about us. So, we shouldn’t take anything personally. But when you are in any sort of relationship with another being, it is personal, no? It has to be otherwise what even is it? My clarity on things intimidates most people I come across. It’s not that I am not fun or cool. It’s that they don’t know how to be anything but carefree. If being authentic and candid and passionate is being ‘intense” or uncool I’m cool with it. So, then, this is why I cannot ever stop reading books.

The kind of clarity and surety with which writers pen down their thoughts, it’s comforting. It’s intoxicating. Someone ready to take ownership of their thoughts, actions, and existence. I’m well aware that this surety isn’t absolute and it is not unwavering. It’s fluid, in fact. But taking a stance, speaking up, showing your heart, and being careful with that of others – that? That will never go out of style. And isn’t that the coolest thing?

Feature image source: Saydung89